WORRYING

I have been worrying so much lately. First of all, I have my chapel talk to worry about. I have to get invitations, decide where my lunch will be, invite people, but most importantly, write it. I’m not even that worried about writing it; I just want to get everything about it organized before I even begin to write. I don’t really know what it’s going to be about, but I have an idea.

I’m also worrying about May Day, which is silly. It shouldn’t be a big deal and I told myself I wasn’t going to make it into a big deal. But I’m worrying about flowers, hair, makeup. I called three florists on Friday and they all said that a bouquet would cost $65-75 and for a day I was willing to pay that much for some reason. But then I realized that I never even notice the flowers on May Day. I should just go to Bilo or something, because it’s not that important.

This whole thing really isn’t that important. In World Religions we’re learning about Taoism and “the 10,000 things versus heaven/earth” idea and it makes me think about how may day, chapel talk… it’s all a “10,000 things” thing. I’m only worrying about how other people will see what I’m doing and what they’ll think. I only considered buying expensive flowers because I wanted to do things “right,” which would mean trying to fit in with everyone else. It’s very God Squad of me. I’m going to the “right” place to get my dress, I should go to the “right” place to get my flowers, get the “right” chapel talk invitations, have the “right” chapel talk lunch. But none of it really matters. none of it matters. none of it matters. none of it matters.

Whatever my flowers and invitations look like, it won’t matter. It’s just a thing I’m using to show off, really. It doesn’t reflect what I’ll be like at May Day, or what I’ll say at my chapel talk. I shouldn’t want to be like everyone else. Why should I do things the “right” way, anyway??